Connecting

One of my classmates wrote about her mother. She explained how important her mother was in her life and how much she admired her. I loved reading this because I can connect so well to that. When I was five my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer, which is rare for a thirty-five year old. She was diagnosed very late and she really only had an hour before she would die when they caught it. However, my mom is a fighter. She is the most courageous person I know and I am proud to say that she didn’t die in that hour they gave her. She fought. My mom had surgery and went through chemotherapy, she lost her hair and her appetite but she did not lose her passion and will to live. She knew she had two young girls at home and she needed to live for them. I can honestly say that my mom is my hero. Without her I would be completely lost in my life. When I was diagnosed with severe chemical depression she sat with me every night while we tried to find a medicine that would work for me. Some nights I was mean, some nights I was sad, and on those good nights when I was finally happy we would celebrate. No matter what she taught me not to give up because I can overcome any obstacle in my life, just like she did. Without my mom I wouldn’t be the young lady and fighter that I am now.

Waking up: The Walk – Hanson = my best friend and I were able to meet the Hanson brothers at South By Southwest in Austin, and we actually really likes their newest CD.
First Day of School: Never Stop – Hillary Duff = I dont really ever listen to her unless, I am in the right mood.
Falling in Love: Imma Shine – Youngbloodz = this song is from my favorite movie Step Up. This movie just makes me happy!
Fight Song: Given Up – Linkin Park = Sometimes you just need some deep intense music and that is why I have Linkin Park
Breaking Up: Wasted – Cartel = this song is sad but for some reason I really love it
Mental Breakdown: California – Phantom Planet = my favorite tv show, before it was canceled was The OC, this is the theme song from that.
Driving: Feels Just Like It Should – Pat Green = I love country music and Pat green is one of my favorite Country artists
Flashback: Turn Me On – Norah Jones = Norah Jones always seems to calm me down 
Wedding: Wrapped – George Strait = You cannot go wrong with listening to George Strait. He has an amazing talent!

Prom: Life is a Highway – Rascal Flatts = this song is just a good song.

Birth Of Child: I Wonder – Kellie Pickler = I saw Kellie Pickler for the first time when I was in Oklahoma and she has such a great life story, and her music is something that is easy to love. 
Final Battle: 369 – Cupid = this is just a fun song to dance around to.
Death Scene: White Christmas – Hanson = I love christmas music and this is one of my favorite songs, and when I was around ten years old I was head over heals in love with the Hanson Brothers.
Funeral Song:Dear Maria, Count Me In – All Time Low = this is a good song from a really entertaining band when you see them live.
End Credits: Toy Soldier – Britney Spears = I love Britney! and my favorite concert that I ever went to was her Circus Tour.

self destruct

There have been plenty of times where I felt that I would self destruct. Most recently, when my boyfriend, also my first love, broke up with me. Some may find this to be silly but I was indeed very hurt and saddened by this, and that sent me in a downward spiral. When I self destruct I get sad and depressed, I feel worthless and hopeless, and even the little things set me off. I don’t over eat and I don’t try to end my life but I do get very ‘down in the dumps’. Some times it is easier to feel sad and depressed but the best thing to do is to take a step back and look at all of the positive things that are happening in your life, the things that make you feel good about yourself are the best ways to feel like you are worth something and you life has meaning. Of course this is all easier said than done, but the key is to know that things will get better, no matter what everything will be ok agin, even though it can take time, it will all be ok. I was always taught to not have a permanent solution for a non permanent problem.

If I Were Brave…

What would I do today if I were brave? I seem to ask myself that question all the time. I do not have a high level of bravery but perhaps it is not always my courage level, but my level of knowledge that prevents me from trying something or doing something that I would not normally do. However, there is something that I have always wanted to do and haven’t had the ‘guts’ to do it. I have always wanted to ride motocross. Ever since I was little I have wanted to get a motocross bike and go out to the track and ride but my fear and my knowing how dangerous it is has prevented me from doing that. I remember the first time I told my dad that I wanted to ride motocross, we were in the car on the way home from school and he looked at me and said “Ok Kathryn, but first jump out of the car right now.” I was very puzzled with his response but then he explained to me that every time I would fall while riding motocross it would feel like jumping out of a moving vehicle. His response not only instilled more fear in me but I also realized that it isn’t worth it to me to be jumping out of moving vehicles all the time. So my response to what would I do today if I were brave, would be I would go ride motocross. Maybe one day I will be brave enough to do that!

If Only…

All throughout my school days my parents told me to study hard because that way I would get into a good college. In middle school I really didn’t care about high school so that really went in one ear and out the other. When I got to ninth grade I decided that college was still years away and I should just focus on my social status. It was not until my junior year when things came crashing down on me. This was the last year I had to get my GPA up. I had blown through my first few years of high school completely ignoring that all of those tests and papers I had had, counted towards my GPA. My junior year I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to go to  Vanderbilt, or SMU, or even UT. That was a hard to come to terms with. I still got into all 6 colleges and universities that I applied to. But if I had only worked a little bit harder or studied a little bit longer I could have been able to go to those really good schools. I still occasionally say to myself, well if only I had studied for that class, or if only I had met with that teacher about that paper, but I cannot dwell in the past. I can however, have a fresh start with my college grades. I can study harder and meet with my teachers more and give it my all, in hopes that I will come out with a much better GPA than I had in high school.

Scent=Memories

Everyone knows that hospitals have a weird smell. Sometimes it smells like chemicals and sometimes it smells like old people. To me that smell is extremely familiar and even sad at times. When my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer she was in a hospital for a very long time. We would always visit her and stay with her and wait during her surgeries but the smell never triggered anything then, it only triggers those scary memories now. I am always at the hospital whether it is for doctors appointments or I am dropping off things to my mom’s clients and even sometimes it’s because I am dropping something for my dad while he is still in the OR. Every time I step into the hospital no matter where in it, I stop as a rush of emotions is swept through me all because of one scent. Many things in my life are attributed to my mom having cancer, and many things are not attributed to my life through smells. The smell of a hospital is really the only  smell that brings back a memory. I don’t particularly like going into hospitals but sometimes it is necessary and when I do go I tend to breathe through my mouth. I don’t enjoy that feeling in my stomach when I walk in but things like that are a part of life and sometimes you just have to walk on, keep going and never let the fear keep you down for too long.

Traveling

I have always considered myself as lucky and blessed with good things. But it was not until my recent trip to New York that I realized just how fortunate I really am. In December 2008 I debuted at the International Debutante Ball. Every other year 40 – 50 girls are invited to debut in New York and this time I happened to be one of them. I had never been to New York let alone been a debutante so the trip was many firsts for me. When we arrived and I saw everything, the beautiful hotel, the gown that I designed and all of the other debs and their possessions, I realized that this was an opportunity that not many girls are blessed to have. I was able to meet girls from Hong Kong, Greece, France, all of which were considered royalty from where they came from. At first I felt like I shouldn’t be there, I was just the daughter of a doctor, not a president or king or anything. But I began to realize that it was fun being considered special and my family and I still joke that the life of a teenage socialite is so hard. But keeping up with appearances is somewhat hard and I really had to be careful what I said and how I acted. It was a growing experience for me and I will always remember it. There are always things in life that you get to do and things that you don’t get to do and I realized on the trip to New York that I get to do many things that people never even dream of. And for that I am very thankful.

#2 Defining Moment

There are many moments in my life that could be considered “spectacular” or “life changing”. While sorting through those moments, there is only one that truly changed my life forever. When I was five, my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer. She was thirty five and that is a very young age to get colon cancer, which is why the doctors over looked it. I am very lucky because one hour before my mom was supposed to die the doctors caught it, and saved her life. However, her being saved is not what changed my life. When my mom was in the hospital and going through ‘cemo’ she was unable to do the things she normally did everyday. I had a nanny but there were still many things that I had to do on my own. For example, if I needed something washed right away, I didn’t have my mom to do it so I had to. At five years old I taught myself how to do laundry (not even my 8 year old sister could do laundry). After learning to do laundry I was excited and then I was the one to lock the house at night (this was still during my Dad’s alcoholic phase). So here I was this five year old, who did laundry, and locked the house up at night and did many other things, all because my mom had cancer and because my brain  has a thirst for knowledge. From then on, I have become the most independent person in my family. Perhaps it is because I am the youngest and I subconsciously feel that I need to be independent to prove something to the rest of my family members; but I am independent none the less and it started with my mom being diagnosed with colon cancer.  That was the pivotal moment that changed my life.

His mistakes made me who I am…

Everyone is affected by a person or people in their lives. Normally it is a positive influence or something that was done well that influences a person. However, in my case it is the mistakes that my father made that have made me who I am today. I love my dad and he is a wonderful father, but he has had to overcome a large obstacle, that many people are unable to overcome. My dad was an alcoholic. He received the gene from his mother and for many he years he let it take over him. The alcoholism affected he personal life and not his career. He is an anesthesiologist so the drinking always came at night. Never during the day. He was verbally abusive to my mom and when I was born he would get so drunk that he would pass out and be unable to take care of my sister and I. One may ask how someone with a flaw of that enormity is able to positively influence another person, but the answer is very simple. I know what I do not want to become because of the mistakes he made. I don’t drink because of him and I love my family more than anything because of him. It is true that I might be emotionally scarred from the stories I’ve been told about him but that fact that he was able to quit and be a good father, a good physician, and a good husband is what makes me respect him more than I respect most people. I am even told that I am a lot like him. I love my dad and he has made the greatest positive impact on my life just.

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